Tuesday, January 26, 2010

Things to do before you quit your job: The office bucket list

This is really funny! If you are in the hunt for a new job and manage to actually find one, you really should do this and let me know how it goes!!

You just landed a new job and gave your two weeks notice to your current employer -- welcome to the lame duck club. The finest moments in every career occur between the moment you accept a new job and start a new job. A consequence-free environment where you can do what you want when you want. So what should you do before you quit your job? Here are 13 ideas for your workplace bucket list:

1. Slowly transition the dress code
Over the course of 2 weeks, slowly transition from wearing a dress shirt, dress pants and tie to a point where on the last day, you are wearing jogging shorts (super short) with a wife beater. But, the transition is so slow that people don't really notice.

2. Tuxedo Dude
On the last day, show up in a tuxedo and top hat. Get to work early and greet everyone at the door. Tell them how beautiful they look today. If you haven't been escorted out of the office, start interrupting meetings taking place in conference rooms. Ask them if they've seen a woman in a bridal gown running through the hallways crying. Keep repeating this process until everyone at the office is aware of some crazy dude with a tuxedo on.

3. Tie Guy
Buy 10 of the weirdest ties money can buy at Ralph Marlin. While wearing the ties, act incredibly professional but make sure to flaunt your ties. If people comment on your quirky ties, defend yourself by letting them know they look like f#%king idiots as well.

4. Leave random notes
On your last day, place random notes around the office in public areas that humiliate the people you despise. Make sure to place them in areas that won't be seen until after you are gone. For instance, if you have a colleague that takes notes in a notebook, place a post-it note 15 pages past their current page that reads, "Buy a toothbrush. Your breath smells like a coffee pot that someone shat in."

5. Call in sick on your last day of work
What's the worst that could happen?

6. Let your boss know who's the boss
Schedule a meeting with your boss that begins 1 hour before you depart on your last day. Have someone from your work posse place a note on the table just before the meeting starts that reads "I proactively scheduled this meeting so you wouldn't be concerned if I left really early on my last day. As you may have figured out by now, I actually left 4 hours ago. Better luck next time."

7. Set an out of office message on your last day
Based on the current speed at which your IT department works, it's likely that your email isn't going to turn off for at least 4 weeks. Keep things in limbo by letting emailers know that you're out of the office but you will be returning in one week to respond to their emails.

8. Print the Bristol Stool Chart and glue it to every bathroom stall
Print off the Bristol Stool Chart (available here) from Wikipedia and heavily glue it to the inside of every bathroom stall in your office. Your work posse will thank you later. Make sure to leave a comment that makes note of how the company is much like Type 1 in the Bristol Scale.

9. Start scheduling recurring meetings
Before word of your departure starts to spread through the office, start scheduling weekly recurring meetings that extend out through the end of the year. The earlier or later in the day, the better.

10. Time delayed emails
Confuse everyone at the office by sending out time delayed emails that are sent long after you've left the company. In those emails, ask vague questions like "Hey there - Did all of you receive that attachment? I know several of you have been complaining that I didn't transition my work very well, but that attachment I just sent should have all of the information you're looking for. I'm back at work, so just stop by my cubicle if you have any questions."

11. Plant evidence
Inconspicuously take small personal items from the desks of people you don't particularly care for and on your last day plant them in the work areas and desks of the colleagues you truly despise.

12. Do nothing
This may not differ from what you've done for years, but doing nothing can be quite rewarding. You'll be amazed by how much it doesn't matter.

13. Empty the Health Flex Spending Account
Many people are unaware of this, but the Health Flex Spending Account (FSA) is one of the few ways you can seriously bend over your employer before you leave. If you have money in your FSA, empty the account by buying anything that is FSA-eligible (OTC drugs, condoms at Wal-Mart, etc). You may have 5k in your FSA, but you pay that 5k stretched out over 12 months as it is automatically deducted from your paycheck. If it's early in the year, you've probably only paid in less than 20% of that total. You can stock a closet full of medical supplies (or a boob job if you're of the female persuasion) at almost no cost.

I however, want to keep mine so back to it I go...

C'ya!

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